Momisms: What She Said?

Happy Mother's Day to all the less-than-perfect moms! Enjoy!

I'm the mom that, on account of all the outrageous(-ly side-splitting & controversial) things that come out of mouth, when my girls say, "My mom said ______....", I tense up.
Scared.
Cause, my word, what did I say and in what context and in what frame of mind was I in when I said it? Was my mind even inside a frame or was it completely out there in some unrecognizable abyss of insanity? And, did my children drive me there? Was I hungry? And what kind of sense of humor does this person have that my girls are speaking to? Will he or she get it?
Welp. Too late.

Being a momma has caused me to say things that I NEVER thought would come out of my mouth, for a myriad of reasons. I bet you've got some of these, too.

Here's a few stories of some unbelievable things that I've said to my kids:
(I'll await the visit from the authorities.)

"That's it. Neither of you get to pray now."

This was the first crazy momism. The Sisters were arguing over everything, including who got to pray first at every. single. meal. I was done. One morning for breakfast, no one got to pray. Then I had to go to work at the Christian non-profit that I worked for and tell my friends what I had done to forfeit my Mom of the Year Award that year. We laughed about that for years.

What she said: My mommy wouldn't let me pray today.

"Do not get in that pen with that bull, Meghan. I'm not kidding."

Crazy bull in the pasture and my kid wants to dadgum get in there and make it her pet. 

This was about the time I said...

"Meghan, that chicken is not a baby. Put it down."

Ellie Mae Clampett would seriously carry our chickens around like little babies. Gross.
What she said: My mom doesn't like our chickens.

"I'm coming in there and I'm just gonna start swingin' a flip flop!"

What she said: My mom beats kids with her flip flops. College kids, too. 

Those things hurt.

"Girls. Tinker Bell is a little trollop."

OK. This was the original Tink. From Peter Pan. She was a little boy-crazy trollop in a short skirt! We preferred Wendy. The new, improved pixie is better.
What she said: My mom doesn't like Tinkerbell's clothes.

"If the adults are doing it, you can do it. Do you see the adults doing cartwheels in the middle of a conversation? No. No, you don't."

We've had to revisit this statement when around some immature adults. Gracious, Nelly.

What she said: Mom, the adults are eating ice-cream, can we?

"No more books til _____________ is done."

Yes. I "grounded" my child from books. Do not second-guess decisions made in the field. I did what I had to do.

What she said: I can't believe you won't even let me read.

"You do not interrupt unless you are gushing blood. I don't mean a little blood that you can put a band-aid on, I'm talking gushing blood that requires real medical attention."

I have a visual learner that needs a mental picture.

What she said: Mom's on the phone, I'll ask her later cause I'm not bleeding. 

Lesson learned.

"Really? You are freaking out cause she is touching your book? What do you think she is going to do to it? What if she does this [licks the book]?"

Yes. I licked a Nancy Drew book. I was sick of it.

What she said: My mom licks our stuff if we don't share it.

"I'm gonna go straight Madea on y'all if y'all don't get those rooms clean, 

little heathen children."

This was just this week. 

What she said: Mom, we are not heathen children and Miss Carolyn would not approve of you saying that cause she knows we never do anything wrong!"

Our friend has these children thinking that she actually believes they are perfect! Out of control over here, I tell you!

"Listen. Girls. I'm not mad. You aren't in trouble, I just need y'all to stop talking for a minute."

What she said: Mom needs a snack. She's hangry.

"How much of it did you eat? Just drink some water and wash it down."

This has been regarding Play-Doh, dirt, etc.
What she said: It's grittyyyyy!

"Hey, girls, what do you think if we start homeschooling and 

Mommy will be your teacher at home?"

What she said: You mean I don't have to wake up early?
Brilliant.

"Girls, you do not always have to repeat every little thing I say."

Can I get a Word?!

"No, Ma'am. You abso-smurfingly cannot act like that up in here. We homeschool and if you do junk like that in public, people will blame me and homeschoolers everywhere. Act like you've had some home-training, for the love of Peter. Social skills, Girls."
What she said: Ughhhhh.
Ha. 

I know y'all are judging. That's okay. Somebody out there is feeling like a little bit better of a mom now that she has had a glimpse into our shenanigans.
Seriously, why do I not have my own show? I can't understand this.

This picture was taken before church with no threatening or pinching or talking through teeth.
Score for Mother's Day.

What are some things you can't believe motherhood has forced you to say?