Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Straight Talk About The Talk- Part 2

This is Part 2 in a short series on talking to our kids about sex and ultimately encouraging them to prepare for a healthy, monogamous, godly marriage by delaying all sexual activity until wedding day. :)

Don't be scared! You are equipped!

You can catch up on Part 1 here.


Talk Privacy - Anything covered by a swimsuit is private. I'm okay with using the phrase 'private parts' as one of those interchangeable words mentioned before, too. No one, including Mom, Dad or Doctor, should ever look at or touch private parts without the child's permission. I have always appreciated our pediatrician for going overboard in this area. She overtly asks permission in my presence. Teach them that "No" means "No". Every time. Good touch, bad touch. These are uncomfortable conversations because we want our kids to live in the Happy Land of Butterflies. It won't ruin their happy. It will empower them that their words matter.
When discussing privacy, it is also beneficial to encourage your child to save discussions about private parts for alone times with parents. Teach your child that talking about private parts should be, well, private. Do this early. Teach your kid to whisper, for the love of Peter. Hey, I'm just trying to save you some embarrassing questions coming ever-so-loudly from the stroller about the time you are checking out of a department store.
Also, discuss privacy about body functions. Yes, it's all normal, I get that. This is just another way to raise the standard about the body being private. If we get a handle on this early, it helps the oversharing age of high school. Is it really classy to walk around school talking about "my ovaries are in pain this week"? I've heard this so much in school hallways! Let's teach our girls that this is not okay! 

Talk Real - Tell the truth. I had a mom call me once because her 2nd grader heard talk of "a girl putting her mouth on a boy's pee-pee". Mom panicked and lied. 2nd grade! I might have panicked, too. My 'go to' response at that age was "I'm so sorry she said that." Over and over.  When my first grader came home from school telling me she had heard from a friend that the teen star had taken nude photos of herself and texted them to her boyfriend, I just kept saying, "I'm so sorry she said that to you." Then, after the conversation kept going and questions kept coming, "Some people think that other people want to see a picture of other people's genitals. Those are private." By the end of the conversation, my then 7 year-old could just say, "That's so sad. I bet her daddy is sad." Amen.

For the middle/high schoolers: Be clinical. Use terms like "vaginal sex" in order to differentiate. I say this because teens will often reason that oral sex is not sex. So, be specific. When discussing oral sex (you should), it is mouth to genital contact. Remember, if you aren't specific, her buddy at school will be.
On this note, try not to freak out if your son or daughter uses a slang term that you do not approve of. Just correct it. "Yes, I do know what that is, and adults and mature teens would use the phrase 'oral sex' to describe the act of mouth to genital contact. The phrase you heard is slang and derogatory and not awesome."

Talk Purity - You can't be too pure. Raise the standard, here. Be extreme. Be radical in your fight for your child's purity! We must fight fire with fire! There is a war raging against purity! Remember those yay-hoos putting a bounty on Tim Tebow's virginity!? Aggh! I wrote about this before, read that post here. I just read it. Man, I was fired up! I just realized, too, that I am repeating myself a little. I guess I mean it. :)

Talk to your kids about the eyes being a gateway to the heart. Protect what they see and what they allow others to see of them.
This brings us to the issue of modesty. I have girls. It is not cute for young girls to be half dressed showing bellies and chest, period. These short skirts and tight everything... Good grief! I know you know when you are letting your daughter wear something sketchy. Be the parent. This is a hill worth dying on. Now, if your child wants to wear some style you don't love, but everything is covered up, maybe that's not a battle worth fighting. But, the covering up part--Non-negotiable. Again, this has all been said before, but we have to engage in battle here. You aren't going to be too pure.

That being said, I will not say "Modest is hottest" because that phrase makes me want to stick skewers in my ears. Our goal here is not to raise hot, young Christian women. My goal is not that my daughter would one day be someone's "smokin' hot wife", pass the skewers. My goal is that my heart and the heart of my girls be pure. That my children would not hinder their ability to follow Jesus completely. That they would not hinder your son's ability to follow Jesus completely. That my girls would be prepared for fantastic marriages.
Just this week, we were having a discussion with my girls about the Parent Class I taught. Spouse said, "Girls, what we want for you is a great marriage. We want your marriage to be the best it can be and teaching you girls to save sex for marriage is one of the ways we can help you prepare for it."

Talk Marriage -Marriage is awesome.We are not living in a culture that values marriage. Be very counter-culture in this area. As much as depends on you, honor the covenant of marriage. Be pro-family, pro-marriage, and pro-sex! :)

When discussing saving sexual activity until marriage, be sure to use language like "husband and wife", not just "man and woman". You want to plant those words deep. The world is hitting us all with 'friends with benefits' (I say 'friends with liabilities') and, at best, uses phrases like "when a man and woman love each other". No. Not "when a man and woman love each other", "when a man and woman get married" or "when a husband and wife". Set the standard for marriage extremely high, and discuss marriage and sex as a wonderful gift from the Lord. God created sex! Yay, God! Sex is for procreation and recreation within the covenant of marriage.

Sex is awesome.
You know what else is awesome? A milkshake is awesome. Milkshake on my lap? Not awesome. The milkshake is not intended to be in my lap. When a milkshake is in it's intended place, it's awesome. Drink up. Sex outside of it's intended context--marriage, is not awesome. It's less than awesome.

You know what else is awesome? A fire in a fireplace. A fire in a fireplace is warm, soothing, comfortable. A fire in the middle of the living room is destructive. Sex is the same way. Sex in it's intended context, marriage, is wonderful. Any sex outside of that is destructive and unhealthy.

These conversations do not have to (read: shouldn't) happen at one long sit down. These are intended to just give you some talking points to remember as opportunities arise. Movies, songs (my word, listen to the songs!) etc. 

We've made it to Part 2! Next up: Goals, Consequences, and Media. Wahoo!

You are the bravest parents and pre-parents ever!

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  1. Being a person who is known to "share" a little too much and having a child just like me, I can say from personal experience how embarrassing it is to have to deal with a "TMI" moment after it has happened!! Thank you for sharing your Godly wisdom with us Melissa!

    1. Oh, yes!! It happens!!

      Thank you, Friend!