My Secret Identity

Do y'all (over the age of...mmm...thirty-eight or so) remember that show? My Secret Identity? I'm pretty sure it was too cheesy for even Netflix to pick up.

Moving on....

The past couple of weeks (or months, I don't really know) I've been described as a few things, sometimes by other people, sometimes it's the voice in my head.
I've read it in blogs, heard it on the news shows,
that if I believe one way, I must be _____.

We've all got labels, wanted and not.
There are titles we wear proudly, and others we just wear.
Cause they might be true.
Some of them we wear because we just can't seem to shake 'em.

They can be adjectives to describe our God-given personality,
the darkest parts of us, or the stuff in-between.
You know: the good, the bad, the ugly.

If we hear them long enough,
they could become the totality of who we believe we are.
The sum of us.

Wife
Mom
Homeschool Mom
Type A (winking at my friend*)
Fat
Goodie Two Shoes
Crazy
Spaz
Organized
Confident
Super conservative
Fake
Opinionated
Foul
Ridiculous
Emotional
Christian
Not a Christian (It's an election year)
Loud
Bad A** (actually, I said that one. Ha!)
Sinner (Nobody can out-sin me.)
Racist
Pretty
Homophobic
Medicated
Evangelical
Evangelical Conservative
Tough
Teacher
Manic
Contradictory (If nothing else, this.)
Vain
Bigot
Depressed
Too much
Too little
Legit
Awesome
Over the top
High strung
A hot mess

Oh, there's more. No doubt.

Some of these are spot on.
The rest have probably been spot-on at one point or another.

Of all those labels and adjectives, there's the one that I have the most difficulty remembering:

I am free.

Free.

If you are reading this, and you call Jesus "Lord",
you are free.
You are free from the box that someone wants you to fit in.
You are free from the past.

Easy to say.

I am free from condemnation.
By God's grace that can only be described as scandalous,
I am free from my sin.
I am free from others' sins against me.
I am free of labels.
I am free to change my mind.
I am free to repent, to change direction.
I am free to serve.
I am free to love.
I am free to give.

So are you. We are free.

We are free to belong to the One who made us and
loves me even though He knew we would reject Him.

We are free. We are free because Jesus of Nazareth set us free.

Yes. It's cheesy.
But, the pic is mine so no one will get mad at me.

Free indeed.

You don't even have to keep it a secret.
*Smile*

The F Word.

Photo Cred: My Spouse. 

While watching a movie, I heard a word that caused me to cringe and look at my girls. You know. I wanted to see if they'd heard the word.
They did.
And they know how I feel about it.

"What did he say?", I asked.
"Nothing.", the Little Sister responded.
"What did he say?"
"The F word."
"What was it? Why won't you say it?" I was grinning. I knew she wouldn't say it.
She struggles with it a little bit.
If I'm honest, I do, too. I struggle with the thought of it paralyzing my girls.
But, we pray against it.

The quote?

"Fear will be your enemy."

-Pabble in Disney's Frozen.

The F word: Fear.
Fear, specifically being frozen by it,  is a major theme of that movie.

I don't know if "fear will be your enemy" but it is certainly of your enemy.
Fear is also a major theme of many of our lives.
I see too many people living in fear and they don't even know it.

Honestly, we don't have to look far to find something to fear:

Heights
The ocean
Spiders
Dogs
Snakes
Driving in the rain
Driving on the interstate
Flying

Then there are those social fears, the ones on another level:

Change
Isolation
Missing out
Our kids getting hurt
Not measuring up
What other people think
Not being enough
Embarrassment
Our kids failing
Our kids hating us

I'm pretty sure I have a fear of my kids having a fear.
Is there a name for that? I want to feel justified in this one, though?
Is that allowed?

Here's why I'm justified:
Fear is contagious.
Parents, we can pass that junk right on to our kids.
We have to get that.
We can pass our fear of snakes on to our kids.
We can pass our fear of dogs on to our kids.
We can pass fear of embarrassment on to our kids.

If we aren't guarding against it, we can leave an eye color, a few quirks, and a heritage of fear.

Listen. For a while, I had this thing about horses. I could reason through it, it hadn't reached the irrational point, but I was so super nervous around horses. I just knew I was going to be kicked. I'd not had an episode that I know of or anything like that. I just had this fear I was going to get kicked square in the ribs by a horse. So, ya know what I did? I put my girls in horse lessons. I had to sit in the car for the grooming & care part of the lesson, because Meghan would get right up in a horse's private business. Wrecked my nerves. I couldn't be in the barn with my child nose to business-end of that 1500 pound animal. I had to sit in the car. One time, I happened to be in the barn while a horse was on the cross-ties and reared back and came down full-force on Maddy's 7 year-old foot, then kicked her instructor in the head. No joke.
After knowing Maddy and teacher were okay, I told them,
"I have to go now or I'm going to snatch my kids out of here and never come back."
And, for whatever reason, that was the end of it.
Victory in Jesus.
I've since been nose to business-end of a horse and been just fine-- after a shower. Because gross. We've gone on many rides as a family and I'm totally good. Win.

<<Side story that is so true and indicative of my exponential crazy level: When my girls were little, I wouldn't let them watch Veggie Tales: Where's God When I'm Scared?. I swear to Cher. They had never been afraid of the dark?! I didn't want them to get it in their heads that was even a thing! End of crazy-but-true story.>>

That being said, where other people would never have a second thought about their kids on a horse, I've never had a second thought about my kids and the water. I die a little when I see "big kids"- whatever that even means- wearing flotation devices in the pool. Or when I hear people talk to a child under 36 inches about not going to the "deep end". Good grief! At that size, it's all the deep end! I don't think a thing about my girls on the paddle boards or scuba diving or snorkeling. Meghan got to see her first shark on her check out dive when she finished her scuba certification! It was the coolest!

This week, we made a major decision to allow Meghan to come back to homeschooling after beginning the year at a local (wonderful) Christian high school. She had enough school to know that home's cool. Heh. She was succeeding in all the ways, academically and otherwise. She lettered in Varsity Swim. Still, she was able to recognize how efficient she could be at home, leaving her free to pursue her interests. Once she made the final decision, she was steadfast. She owned it, telling her little friends, some of her teachers and administration. She never wavered. Fearless. And, I don't fear for her future. God's got her back more than I do. And His is the power in her. She's gonna be alright. She's gonna be more than alright. Victorious.


If fear is allowed to grow, we could live defeated.
Paralyzed.
Frozen.

We would still be loved and cherished.

Loved and cherished and defeated.
Loved and cherished and paralyzed.
Loved and cherished and frozen.

Let's not do that.

I'm going for 
loved and cherished and victorious.

Another Spouse photo.

**This is an updated post.**

13 Promises for the 13 Year-Old

Nicknames: Ellie Mae, Megalicious, Meghan-heimer-snickel-fritz, McGillicutty

The Big Sister turns thirteen today. I'm so excited for her. I'm not the mom that cried at kindergarten or cries at these milestones, I'm genuinely excited for her.

Why won't they still let me dress them?

I do, however, get a sense of urgency.
I am keenly aware that, while I hope to always be a sounding board, my truly influential days are numbered. I'll never not be their momma, but ya know. There are so many things I want my girls to leave the nest with: good flossing habits, a healthy body image, a solid foundation of the Word, and knowing that their parents are flawed people in pursuit of Jesus. I want them to know how to cook some basic meals and keep a house and make it a  home. I want them to know how to speak up for themselves, to call "Bull" when necessary, to know their worth, and to write notes. I want them to live well and love well, to value people over things.
So many things. So little time.

I have a general rule about making promises to my kids, I like to keep us all flexible, but for such an occasion, I thought I'd list thirteen promises I can be sure of today, tomorrow, and most days...
Grinning.

1. The more you know Truth, the more you'll recognize lies.
Plaster your memory with the Word.

2. The issue that you have the hardest time with today will be the very thing that will bring forth your victory in Jesus.
Your weakness is His strength. It's His specialty.

3. You will never regret being classy.

4. You will not immediately understand every decision I make over these next few years.

5. Most of your regrets will be the things you didn't do, rather than the things you did.

6. Jesus in you will always shine brighter than the lipstick on you.

7. It is possible to love your body and want to improve it.
Be strong, healthy, and ready to GO when the Lord calls you!

8. Encouraging others (especially girls) doesn't mean that you are less than,
it means you are strong enough to lift them up.
Be a cheerleader for your people. 

9. The "second mile" is the best mile.
Go the distance.

10. Your heart will lie to you.
Your gut is usually right. The Word is always right.

11. Confidence is not the same as arrogance.
Confidence is an attractive quality, wear it well.

12. When in doubt, overdress.

Cause, ya know, mud.

13. You can never out love me nor out sin me. 
This is not a challenge. Please don't try.

Happy birthday, Sister. I love you more than strawberries.

This Is Not My Little Pony's World

{Source}

Bullying is never okay. Never. Ever. Let's get that straight from the get-go.

Here's the topic of today's discussion:

Little 9 year-old Grayson takes a liking to My Little Pony and carries a MLP lunchbox to school. Then,  as expected (not saying right, just expected), he was picked on and bullied.
So, school officials saw the lunchbox as a distraction and asked him to discontinue using that lunchbox at school.
There are so many layers here.
I'm sure my southern, no-nonsense upbringing is rearing its head.

Mom is spot-on for backing her son. There are times when you just need to take things to a-whole-nother level just to show your kids you are on their team. In a few years, when he's fourteen and sure his momma is out to make his life miserable, she'll have this little episode in her back pocket to pull out. "'Member that time..."
Mom is also 100% correct in saying that it is "flawed logic" to say that "saying the lunchbox is a trigger for bullying is like saying a short skirt is a trigger for rape." Absolutely.

At the end of the day, I don't care if the boy wore a dadgum princess shirt to school, that doesn't give any one the right to put their hands on him. Ever.
Please, for the love of Tonka Trucks, let's not test this.

I can't completely blame administration, though. I don't know what steps the school administration had previously taken to curtail the bullying prior to asking Grayson not to bring the lunchbox to school. I would imagine the teachers and faculty really were looking out for his best interest. Let's just make this easy on everyone and skip the lunchbox. The teachers I know would have offered to buy him a new one to make his life less miserable! These are [likely] not mean-spirited people. Most teachers I know are just trying to go to work, make a living doing something they love and help raise up world-changers as best they can. I'm sure they never saw this hullabaloo coming. Still, he should not be punished for his lunchbox. Bullying should be dealt with to the fullest extent. Period.

Like I said, I don't know what steps the school administration took, but I'd like to know what was really the "distraction" here? The lunchbox or the bullying?

That said--I have two girls. No boys. Although, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have allowed my 9 year-old to take the lunchbox to school. I may have [theoretically] even used some very old school, non PC phrases to make my point about MLP being primarily for girls. I can't say for sure, but I feel like I would have nipped this jazz before it went this far. I can say for sure that Spouse would. I can't believe Mom didn't see this coming. This is on the tails of another North Carolina boy's attempted suicide for being bullied for almost the same thing! 

When Big Sister was headed to second grade, Nana got her a really cool pencil box that had a light-up star on it. Although her teacher requested a pencil box on the supply list, I knew that a light-up pencil box in second grade could be a distraction for little girls. She was in no danger of being bullied over this box, but I know how simple things become a distraction in elementary school. I made it clear to Big Sister that the box can't cause any problems and then her teacher said it was fine with her until it caused a problem. *Grin* It was never not fine. The pencil box survived second grade. The point is, as parents, we need to have the forethought that our kids won't have. Understand that it's not always about triggering bullies, it's about triggering distractions.
This was not the Sister's classroom. She needed to respect it as her teacher's classroom and her teacher doesn't need any distractions.
The school is not My Little Pony's World, nor is the real world, and kids need to know that.
Not everybody learns to be friendly at the end of the story.

Another story. One of my favorite man-children (he'll be fifteen in a few days) was into a lot of pink when he was a wee one. He liked the pink Teletubbie, the Pink Power Ranger, and had a pink GameBoy. He was about 4. It drove his daddy nuts. But, they let him do it and it was good parenting. Because they knew [hoped] he'd outgrow it. (Right, wrong, or indifferent, that's what we were all going for at the time.) He did and he's very masculine today. However, I know that I know that I know, that at 9 years-old, scar this child as it may, that he would NOT have taken a pink Teletubbie lunchbox to school! Again, I call that good parenting. Now, at fifteen, this kid could rock a pink anything. Cause Real Men Wear Pink, right? Incidentally, we inherited the Pink GameBoy later on. :)

Now, I have discussed Grayson's story with my girls. I am not, as I said, advocating bullying by any stretch of the imagination. The discussion with my girls was about loving people, period.

I do, however, think that this whole thing could have been avoided at the kitchen table at home. This comes down to parental discernment. And, I don't know, maybe it's a hill worth dying on for this mom.

Let's hear it. What do y'all think?

When We Quit.

I started writing this up several months ago. I let it sit out of fear, if I'm honest. Today, a friend shared an excellent blog post on this subject. Now, I'm mad I didn't post mine earlier.

Good on both of them for their guts! So, go ahead, let's get the discussion started.
__________________________________________________
Several years ago, our oldest daughter put in that she wanted to participate in Little League Cheer. We had put her off for a while because it is a heavy commitment, but this particular year, we decided to give it a try. I was struggling with the "Cheer Mom" title, but let me tell you: this kid was adorable in her little cheer uniform. I mean it. The stinkin' cutest little curly-Q'd, ribboned pony tail ever!

Seriously. The cutest.

I anticipated one conflict and talked to every person I could to be sure this wouldn't be an issue. Her coach, a friend and volunteer mom, was a first-time coach and was giving it all she had. I didn't want our issue to be a problem for a volunteer coach, so I was very transparent about it from the beginning and she was gracious. We started the season and a few weeks and several hundred dollars later, it became obvious to us that our issue was going to be one. Still, everyone was gracious as I stood our ground, but they had to do what they had to do and so did we. She cheered two games and we walked away. I wrote a letter to the Board thanking them for their volunteer hours, explaining our position, and apologizing for any extra paperwork they had to do on our account. My 8 year-old wrote a little note, too.

Our issue: Cheer Competitions on Sundays.
To be clear, they weren't every Sunday. Three over the season, if I remember correctly. 

As Christians, this was really a no-brainer to us. We value the local church's place in the Body of Christ. We believe we have a place in the Body. We genuinely enjoy church. But, this isn't even the crux of it.

Who and What my girls worship on Sundays is.

We just couldn't do it. We knew we were not going set the precedence for recreation over Sunday worship. This is, as we celebrate, the Sabbath. The one that is to be kept holy. As in the 4th Commandment. Now, Lord knows we have not kept all the commandments all the time, but this. This we could.
<Note: I'm talking Sundays. Sunday morning worship. Wednesday night church is not a commandment. Smiling. Now, if you have Saturday night church or if your church has Sunday evening services, I don't know. Some would argue that Sunday should still be a day of complete rest. I'm not getting into all that, that's between you and Jesus. > 

Maybe you've seen it:
Parents who sang "Jesus Loves Me" and read Bible stories to their babies. They taught their toddlers that "God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do." Loving parents took their little ones to Sunday School and choir and Christmas programs. Parents that could see the benefit of team sports and even used that as a way to build relationships in the community and lead people to Christ. Eventually, the athletic tournaments and competitions have become fun, family events and they are all weekend, every weekend for a season or seven. Fantastic, Jesus-loving parents wake up one day and they can't remember the last time they went to church and worshipped as a family with the Body of Believers in which they claim "membership".  Instead, they have worshipped at the altar of a trophy.

Ok. This is a made up scenario, but you get it, right? This is what we wanted to guard against. It's a slippery slope. Yes, I understand we were looking at three Sundays. No, I don't think my salvation or that of my child's would be in jeopardy over three missed Sundays. For us, it came down to teaching her to impact the world as a Christ follower.

Listen. We are at war. We are battling a culture for the hearts of our children. We've got to take this seriously. 

I know you've heard the statistics. Something like upwards of 90% of professed Christians are graduating high school, going away to college and walking away from church, and often, the Lord. They are going to college and living quite hedonistic little lives, leaving their parents devastated and worried. Rightly so.

We aren't hoping for our kids to just "stay in church", I'm raising women who ARE the church. That means equipping them to GO out and be the light. That means they need to know what they believe and act like they believe it.

There is definitely not one answer. But, I do believe this is [one] battle in the Culture War. Keeping the Sabbath holy and making a (loving, favorable) statement to the community may be something you could do to change the culture of sports-worship in your community. 

Gettin' a Grip. Marriage Edition.

The other day, Spouse and I were holding hands in the car and I just had to snap this picture:

While it's not really an artistically beautiful photograph, it is a disturbingly accurate likeness of our marriage. 

Notice that we are gripping on. By God's grace, we are both gripping at the same time right now; although, I would be lying if I told you that it's always been this way. If not for sheer determination to continue gripping when the other wasn't, we would be any number of marriage statistics: divorced, separated, in a lifeless, miserable marriage, incarcerated, singing Cher songs to drown our misery...who knows? 

Those times of not gripping come from a variety of places. There have been times of selfishness that have left us doing nothing but holding on to ourselves. There have been weeks and months of holding on to babies. These seasons are not necessarily for lack of desire to grip, they may simply be a reflection of urgency rather than importance. I know of semi-recent times periods that left me so exhausted that my grip just wasn't very strong--I just didn't have the strength. What I also know is that the Lord gave my Spouse extra-strength so that he could grip for the both of us.  I am so grateful for this season of grippin' together.

Notice we both have cuts. Oh, Sweet Reader, do we. We showed up to this party with quite a few cuts. We've cut each other. When things were really ugly, we aimed for the old cuts. We were a good aim. Not awesome. Oh, but by His wounds we are healed.  Nothing but grace, People. No longer do we want to go for blood. We want healing and growth and togetherness.

Notice the regular background. It's a regular car and a regular phone charger and regular jeans. Nothing that screams "Extraordinary!" This is very much our now. Regular. Schooling. Cleaning. Regular. Working. Swim. Gymnastics. Regular. 

2013 doesn't look a thing like 2012 and feels sometimes quite mundane. But, we are doing it. 

And, honestly, it's hilarity amidst the mundane. We laugh a lot. 

Notice that the gripping is intentional. The background might look boring, but we are doing the thing.  I mean, look at me, for the love of Tetris! I'm gripping his thumb like a joystick. On purpose! 

We are purposeful about our Jesus, our marriage, our parenting and our home. In. That. Order. 

It was not always this way. Grace. Just grace.

And, that's the picture of us gettin' a grip.

Sometimes that's all you can do, isn't it? 

Get a grip.

Dear America

It's Thursday, Y'all, and it's been a while. These two statements are not related what-so-ever. 

Y'all know we moved, right? Well, that was a Baker Actable experience (All the Floridians understand!) in which I may or may not write about. I want to and it's hilarious, but the way this blog thing has gone lately...well...ya know. I don't want to just outright lie.

To keep things super anti-boring, which I am, we had some of our favorite Floridians come spend the weekend with us 6 short days after we moved in. Cause we're rollin', and <sing Montel Jordan here or you won't be reading it right> this is how we do it.

There's also this little matter of schoolin' these crazy little world changers! Listen. My kids are 98.4% Grade Awesome and their standard of schooling is, too. They are not members of the "C's Get Degrees" Club, of which I may or may not have been the president. Somebody has taught them nonsense about "excellence" & "quality" & "diligence" reflecting character. It's spectacular, really. This school load is killing me and not even softly. (Do you sing it Roberta Flack or Lauryn Hill? I gotta know.) Plus, they are hogging my Mac. 

Anyway, I digress.

Since it's Thursday and it's been a while, I've got a few little letters for ya. They range from Shallow to Snarky to Jesus, much like your writer. Enjoy.

Dear America,
Pinterest is not for boys.
I pinned a similar folding-table contraption on Saturday morning.
The Spouse & Little Sister took a mad fast run to
Home Depot, came back & did work
on this little bad-boy before, during half-time, and between football games.
For the win.

Dear America,
Chatting with this little lady about a recent tragic event. The ever-present question "Why?" was asked. She said, "I can tell you why. I know exactly why. It's the devil. We need Jesus."
Amen, Sister. Amen.

Dear America,

Miss-chee-vee-uss is not a word.

That is all.

Dear America,
No, Honey. Just no.
The fact that the parking lot is near empty is irrelevant.

Dear America,

This is part of the 98.4% Awesome of the Big Sister. Her assignment was to brainstorm ideas for a persuasive paragraph. Now she could have gone deep about ending modern-day slavery or Creation or something, but she went to sweaty palms & sweaty breasts. She is my child. 

So, let the child lead us to the Classy Place where women no longer put phones in their bras.

<P.S. Views expressed in persuasive paragraphs by the churrin' are not necessarily the views of the parents. I have never told my churrin' that everybody should homeschool. I have, in fact, discussed the disturbance of the bra phone. Yes, I noticed the incorrect "there". I was blinded by the brilliance & I don't correct this jazz in a brainstorm. She ended up going with the "Holding hands in church". She has issues with this that I do not share, but like a good parent, I laugh at hilarity. .>

Dear America,

Lord willing, my next blog post will be sans glasses or contacts.

I am pumped like a Reebok in 1991. 

While I think my little glasses the Big Sister chose are cutesy, 

being able to see is going to be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. 

So, here they are for the last time. If you think about it in the next few hours, 

go ahead and mention my name to Jesus.

Straight Talk About The Talk- Part 2

This is Part 2 in a short series on talking to our kids about sex and ultimately encouraging them to prepare for a healthy, monogamous, godly marriage by delaying all sexual activity until wedding day. :)

Don't be scared! You are equipped!

You can catch up on Part 1 here.

________________________________________________________

Talk Privacy - Anything covered by a swimsuit is private. I'm okay with using the phrase 'private parts' as one of those interchangeable words mentioned before, too. No one, including Mom, Dad or Doctor, should ever look at or touch private parts without the child's permission. I have always appreciated our pediatrician for going overboard in this area. She overtly asks permission in my presence. Teach them that "No" means "No". Every time. Good touch, bad touch. These are uncomfortable conversations because we want our kids to live in the Happy Land of Butterflies. It won't ruin their happy. It will empower them that their words matter.
When discussing privacy, it is also beneficial to encourage your child to save discussions about private parts for alone times with parents. Teach your child that talking about private parts should be, well, private. Do this early. Teach your kid to whisper, for the love of Peter. Hey, I'm just trying to save you some embarrassing questions coming ever-so-loudly from the stroller about the time you are checking out of a department store.
Also, discuss privacy about body functions. Yes, it's all normal, I get that. This is just another way to raise the standard about the body being private. If we get a handle on this early, it helps the oversharing age of high school. Is it really classy to walk around school talking about "my ovaries are in pain this week"? I've heard this so much in school hallways! Let's teach our girls that this is not okay! 

Talk Real - Tell the truth. I had a mom call me once because her 2nd grader heard talk of "a girl putting her mouth on a boy's pee-pee". Mom panicked and lied. 2nd grade! I might have panicked, too. My 'go to' response at that age was "I'm so sorry she said that." Over and over.  When my first grader came home from school telling me she had heard from a friend that the teen star had taken nude photos of herself and texted them to her boyfriend, I just kept saying, "I'm so sorry she said that to you." Then, after the conversation kept going and questions kept coming, "Some people think that other people want to see a picture of other people's genitals. Those are private." By the end of the conversation, my then 7 year-old could just say, "That's so sad. I bet her daddy is sad." Amen.

For the middle/high schoolers: Be clinical. Use terms like "vaginal sex" in order to differentiate. I say this because teens will often reason that oral sex is not sex. So, be specific. When discussing oral sex (you should), it is mouth to genital contact. Remember, if you aren't specific, her buddy at school will be.
On this note, try not to freak out if your son or daughter uses a slang term that you do not approve of. Just correct it. "Yes, I do know what that is, and adults and mature teens would use the phrase 'oral sex' to describe the act of mouth to genital contact. The phrase you heard is slang and derogatory and not awesome."

Talk Purity - You can't be too pure. Raise the standard, here. Be extreme. Be radical in your fight for your child's purity! We must fight fire with fire! There is a war raging against purity! Remember those yay-hoos putting a bounty on Tim Tebow's virginity!? Aggh! I wrote about this before, read that post here. I just read it. Man, I was fired up! I just realized, too, that I am repeating myself a little. I guess I mean it. :)

Talk to your kids about the eyes being a gateway to the heart. Protect what they see and what they allow others to see of them.
This brings us to the issue of modesty. I have girls. It is not cute for young girls to be half dressed showing bellies and chest, period. These short skirts and tight everything... Good grief! I know you know when you are letting your daughter wear something sketchy. Be the parent. This is a hill worth dying on. Now, if your child wants to wear some style you don't love, but everything is covered up, maybe that's not a battle worth fighting. But, the covering up part--Non-negotiable. Again, this has all been said before, but we have to engage in battle here. You aren't going to be too pure.

That being said, I will not say "Modest is hottest" because that phrase makes me want to stick skewers in my ears. Our goal here is not to raise hot, young Christian women. My goal is not that my daughter would one day be someone's "smokin' hot wife", pass the skewers. My goal is that my heart and the heart of my girls be pure. That my children would not hinder their ability to follow Jesus completely. That they would not hinder your son's ability to follow Jesus completely. That my girls would be prepared for fantastic marriages.
Just this week, we were having a discussion with my girls about the Parent Class I taught. Spouse said, "Girls, what we want for you is a great marriage. We want your marriage to be the best it can be and teaching you girls to save sex for marriage is one of the ways we can help you prepare for it."

Talk Marriage -Marriage is awesome.We are not living in a culture that values marriage. Be very counter-culture in this area. As much as depends on you, honor the covenant of marriage. Be pro-family, pro-marriage, and pro-sex! :)

When discussing saving sexual activity until marriage, be sure to use language like "husband and wife", not just "man and woman". You want to plant those words deep. The world is hitting us all with 'friends with benefits' (I say 'friends with liabilities') and, at best, uses phrases like "when a man and woman love each other". No. Not "when a man and woman love each other", "when a man and woman get married" or "when a husband and wife". Set the standard for marriage extremely high, and discuss marriage and sex as a wonderful gift from the Lord. God created sex! Yay, God! Sex is for procreation and recreation within the covenant of marriage.

Sex is awesome.
You know what else is awesome? A milkshake is awesome. Milkshake on my lap? Not awesome. The milkshake is not intended to be in my lap. When a milkshake is in it's intended place, it's awesome. Drink up. Sex outside of it's intended context--marriage, is not awesome. It's less than awesome.

You know what else is awesome? A fire in a fireplace. A fire in a fireplace is warm, soothing, comfortable. A fire in the middle of the living room is destructive. Sex is the same way. Sex in it's intended context, marriage, is wonderful. Any sex outside of that is destructive and unhealthy.

These conversations do not have to (read: shouldn't) happen at one long sit down. These are intended to just give you some talking points to remember as opportunities arise. Movies, songs (my word, listen to the songs!) etc. 

We've made it to Part 2! Next up: Goals, Consequences, and Media. Wahoo!

You are the bravest parents and pre-parents ever!

Click below to share this info!

Straight Talk About The Talk- Part 1

Today, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of parents at my church about talking to their kids about their sexual purity. Naturally, it led to the updating and reposting of this blog from last summer. In true Melissa fashion, I added a lot, leading me to break it up into installments. It looks like there will be 4. Unless I add more. :)

In the least self-promoting way, because I believe in the message, I hope these become the most shared posts of all the Spouseisms posts.
Preparing our kids for a fulfilling, monogamous marriage is the ultimate Spouseism. :)

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Parents, Pre-Parents, Educators,

Let's talk about sex. :) (My blog hits just went from 5 to 10 just like that!)

It's time for a little straight talk about The Talk. 

It has to be done. And, as the 'Rents, you are the ones to do it. This business of expecting the I promise, there is no need to worry yourself to the point of hives, nor is there cause to bury your head in the proverbial sand! You can do this! There is, however, cause for you to take seriously the need to talk early and talk often with your kids about sex and the importance of saving all sexual activity until marriage.

Talk to God - Pray. Pray for your child's purity. Pray for what your child is exposed to outside of your presence. Pray that those you entrust with your kids would protect them from exposure to harmful media images. Pray that he would be blind to images that are preying on him. Pray for your child to see herself the way God sees her, a precious gift, purposed in this world to change the world. Pray for your child's future spouse. A really smart momma told me that she always prayed that her children's hearts would be asleep until God had the person to wake it up. Is that precious?!
Pray for these things with your child/teen. 

Bonus: It changes your relationship. Really. They see into your heart and truly believe that you don't want what's good for them, you want what God has for them.

Talk Early - With the Littles, use correct anatomical terms. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. Honestly, it's cute to hear a toddler say vagina. Mine said "sagina" and it was the best! You need to be comfortable saying these words and so do your children.
I explained it to my girls this way: pee-pee/penis or pee-pee/vagina are similar to sofa and couch. They mean the same thing. I gave several examples: chair/recliner, bike/bicycle...you get the idea. Children are not squeamish about saying a word like 'vagina' until they learn to be. Really, it's not a big deal--head, shoulders, knees, toes, penis. It's all about learning their 2000 'fearfully and wonderfully made' parts!

Talk Often - Talking about sex with your child is not a one-time deal. Use teachable moments. Media gives us plenty! Here's the deal, your kids WILL get a sex education. They can get it from NBC, government school, a Kardashian (Lord forbid it), the cool cousin, church, or YOU. I can not say this to enough Mommas: The first person to talk to your child about sex is the expert--Be the expert! 

I'm not saying oversaturate your kid with inappropriate sexual conversation, I'm just saying don't let the moments pass you by and don't wait for some special dinner. Just be casual. Never let 'em see you sweat.
You end up repeating some things and that's okay. Each time, new areas of conversation will come up. And, more details will come up. Don't wait for them to ask questions. By the time the questions come, they've been brewing. Stay ahead of 'em if you can.

I'd love to hear your stories and ideas. Let's help each other out here!
Do you use correct anatomical words in your house? Is this a subject area that causes you angst?

Upcoming Installments: Talk Privacy, Purity, Marriage, Goals, Consequences, Media. :)

Definition of a Bum. Updated.

This post was originally published last year as the first guest post my Spouse wrote. Several readers have referred back to it on occasion, so I thought it was worth a repost.

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While walking the streets of Downtown Houston it is not uncommon to encounter some of the many homeless who live on the streets in this city of more than four million people.  Melissa and I have found through conversations that they have names, stories, and life experiences.  

My girls and I have had extensive conversations about the love we can show to the homeless here in Houston: a conversation, a meal, or just acknowledging their existence.  

However, if I bring up the word “bum” my girls get a much different picture.

I often remember hearing people refer to homeless as “bums” when I was younger, but my definition is a little different than my dictionary app on my iPhone and this is what I teach my girls.   

“Bum”

-Noun

1.  Person who avoids work and sponges on others; loafer; idler

2. Over-enthusiast of a specific sport or recreational activity, especially one who gives it priority over work, family life, etc.

3.  An lazy, but able-bodied person

4.  A drunk

5. A selfish person

I want to make sure my girls and those in our college ministry understand 

what a bum looks like:

•       A bum is unwilling to support himself.  No job = bum.
•       A bum is too lazy to open the door for a woman.
•    A bum will put his physical desires ahead of what is best for a woman.
•       A bum leaves the trash can full of trash. Call me “old fashioned”, but a lazy man will have a woman taking out the trash and mowing the lawn.  I tell my girls, “You decide, do you see your mom having to do that?” ("Having" being operative word here.)
•       A bum spends a large portion of his time idle in front of a computer, television, or video game.   The IMB (International Mission Board) is sending more women than men into the harsh, dangerous areas of Africa because our 20 something boys refuse to put down the controller and become men.
•       A bum allows his hobbies or sports interests to consume his life. These things have or will become his idol and he will have no time to worship the true God or lead is family to worship.
•       A bum will allow family and work to take second seat to his ego and comfort.   A man who loves unselfishly will work whatever job it takes to support a family. 
•       A bum is incompetent in the handling of Scripture.  He cannot expect to lead biblically if he is illiterate himself.
•        A bum will allow alcohol to dilute his senses, leaving a woman to worry that he will not be in sober mind to both defend and protect her in any situation. 

Ladies,

·      Top three musts of a dateable man: 

• He must know and walk with Christ daily.
• He must have a drive to work and support his family no matter what that job may look like.
• He should be mentored by your dad or another strong Christian male figure in your life!    

God has a man for you, he is preparing his heart, but you will need to be patient in waiting on God.   Have men in your life, if not your father, that love you enough to identify a bum and believe them when they say it.

Paul described love best in 1 Corinthians 13 this way:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, and does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…. Vs 4-7

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reasoned like a child 

when I became a man, I did away with childish things.  Vs 11

A bum will look a lot like an overgrown child…

 mdh.

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Whew! Love it! I know there is somebody who needs this word!

Valentines, Motown, Jesus.

{source}
My kinda Valentine: sandy.

As far as I remember, Spouse and I haven't really gone overboard for Valentine's Day. He's not really the oogly- googly type and all I see is dollar $ign$. :) I'd rather get unprompted Oakley or Adidas paraphernalia  on a random Tuesday or Bruce Springsteen's birthday- he was Born in the USA on September 23, 1949, Kids- than candy I don't need on February 14th.
(Not an advertisement, by the way, that's just what came out of my fingers.)

It's funny now, though, because my girls care about it. They like to see that Daddy romances Mom and Maddy-ever the wife-in-training- would likely express great disappointment if Spouse were to blow it off completely.

Their investment is mostly commercial, for sure; we've spent very little discussion time on historical significance. I should probably do that--if nothing more than for a little cultural literacy. I read that the martyred saint would allow soldiers to marry. I'm pretty sure Geoffrey Chaucer (I know you are picturing Paul Bettany right now.) was the one to bring some romance to what before was a day of remembrance to the saint. I'm totally talking out of my bum here, so feel free to correct me. Any of you actually good homeschool mom/teacher types know a good website for reputable info?

Anyhow, it is crazy that with very little television, they've picked up on the traditions of the holiday.
I admit, Spouse and I are quick to label holidays like this "Hallmark Days" and not participating, but it is important to use these opportunities as talking points with our not-so-little girls who are watching our marriage and no doubt dreaming of a One Day. I shudder.

{a pinterest pic}

So, as we are struggling through the construction of our Valentines Boxes for the parties, we can crank up some Motown Radio on Pandora and chat it up. Motown offers great, even biblical talking points on our current holiday season.

• What Becomes of the Broken Hearted? Jimmy Ruffin. 
• Who are the unloved in our world? The forgotten? What can we do? 
• "Whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40
• Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing, Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
• "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19
• R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Aretha Franklin
• "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord." Colossians 3:20
• Ain't No Mountain High Enough, Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
• "For I am convinced that neither life nor death, nor angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 (This one was too easy. Too easy.)
• Tracks of My Tears, Smokey Robinson
• "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4
• Wonderful World, Sam Cooke
• Remember this one: Don't much about history, don't know much biology...
• "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

Alright, go ahead. Get your Motown jam on.

Happy Valentine's Day!

 Vintage Baseball Valentines. I dont' know the source, but it is too cute.
Happy Valentine's Day to a sweet young man, JB in PC. I would watch baseball for you.