Straight Talk About The Talk- Part 4

For a few weeks, we've been covering this area of 'The Talk' with our kids and teens. In Part 1, we covered the Littles. Pray early and often. Part 2 was about purity and marriage. This is big. The war against biblical marriage is raging furiously. Engage in this battle and enlist your kids to support marriage. Part 3 took us to learning to set goals for the future and just look ahead.

{{ http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/28/wired-kids-negligent-parents/ }}

Talk Media - This is multifaceted and I'm working hard not to be all over the place here. Failing.

Television, movies, music, print ads, internet, etc... they are all a part of that war against purity. I am all for censorship. Do not think that your child doesn't understand the innuendos. This is just ridiculous.  (Remember, the title says "Straight Talk".)

This doesn't necessarily mean censor forever.  At an appropriate age, discuss media messages with your child. Have conversations in light of God's Word, sharing a biblical worldview and your personal values. The point is, don't think they aren't internally processing the images--whether they mention them to you or not, they are processing.

Do not put a TV or computer in your kid's bedroom. This is a no-brainer to me. Please don't tell me that your kid is the one kid in America who would never choose to watch sketch on TV. When your son is channel surfing one day (maybe not today, but one day) he will see some breasts or cleavage and he will. slow. the. clicker. down.
I've recently heard of a family that requires iPods to be used in common areas of the house. I love this. We have allowed them to be used in the girls' bedrooms and they bring them to us at night, but I like this even better. We have discussed keeping iPods limited to downstairs, but haven't pulled the trigger just yet. It's time.

Media includes communications, such as phones and texting.
When I asked high school students for one piece of advice for me to give to parents of younger kids, the Number One response is, "Don't let them get a cell phone!"

No joke. High schoolers are seeing the problems of cell phones in their own lives. Just delay it as long as possible. I know it is convenient for your teen/preteen to have a phone, but parenting isn't always convenient. You had practices after school and went to friend's houses without a cell phone, little Junior can, too.
Also, texting is not required for the phone to work. Don't be afraid to shut it down. Seriously, other parents will applaud your willingness to take a stand, and likely follow suit. Be a trend setter! :)

On the subject of media, we have to talk social media. For starters, can we all agree that allowing your child to lie in order to get a Facebook or whatnot is not helpful to anyone? It's just not.
If you allow your teen to use social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) you should have an account, too, and your teen should be required to friend you. Also, be aware that teens also have accounts with pseudonyms that parents aren't aware of. Have access to all computers and devices and check them often. It has nothing to do with not trusting them. At the end of the day, God has entrusted us with these precious ones and we have to be willing to fight for them and with them in the battle of purity.

Stay in the know on current trends in social networking and be a part of it. Y'all parents who are saying "Oh, I'm just not that computer savvy" or "I don't do the whole Facebook thing."--I don't know... That seems noble and all, but  I don't think it's wise, unless you are keeping your whole family away from all social media, too. And, that's great, if you are! Rock on. I support you from the other side!
Otherwise, you need follow CNET on Twitter. They post a lot of good reviews about trending apps and whatnot. Also, they are a good consumer resource on all things techy.

Again, it's not about trusting YOUR kids, it's about understanding that our kids are a target! There is a multibillion dollar porn industry that would love nothing more than to get my girls hooked.
[The porn industry sees us all in 3 categories: target (never exposed), bait (exposed, maybe curious), hooked]. This is the real deal. Get an internet filter on your computer! Net Nanny, Safe Eyes, something!

At the end of the day, you are the parent. I've said it before, you know your kid. Nothing I say here should do anything but empower you and maybe give you ideas about ways to navigate this better. If you've got ideas, let's hear 'em! Don't be greedy with your good stuff! Share!

Straight Talk About The Talk- Part 1

Today, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of parents at my church about talking to their kids about their sexual purity. Naturally, it led to the updating and reposting of this blog from last summer. In true Melissa fashion, I added a lot, leading me to break it up into installments. It looks like there will be 4. Unless I add more. :)

In the least self-promoting way, because I believe in the message, I hope these become the most shared posts of all the Spouseisms posts.
Preparing our kids for a fulfilling, monogamous marriage is the ultimate Spouseism. :)

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Parents, Pre-Parents, Educators,

Let's talk about sex. :) (My blog hits just went from 5 to 10 just like that!)

It's time for a little straight talk about The Talk. 

It has to be done. And, as the 'Rents, you are the ones to do it. This business of expecting the I promise, there is no need to worry yourself to the point of hives, nor is there cause to bury your head in the proverbial sand! You can do this! There is, however, cause for you to take seriously the need to talk early and talk often with your kids about sex and the importance of saving all sexual activity until marriage.

Talk to God - Pray. Pray for your child's purity. Pray for what your child is exposed to outside of your presence. Pray that those you entrust with your kids would protect them from exposure to harmful media images. Pray that he would be blind to images that are preying on him. Pray for your child to see herself the way God sees her, a precious gift, purposed in this world to change the world. Pray for your child's future spouse. A really smart momma told me that she always prayed that her children's hearts would be asleep until God had the person to wake it up. Is that precious?!
Pray for these things with your child/teen. 

Bonus: It changes your relationship. Really. They see into your heart and truly believe that you don't want what's good for them, you want what God has for them.

Talk Early - With the Littles, use correct anatomical terms. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. Honestly, it's cute to hear a toddler say vagina. Mine said "sagina" and it was the best! You need to be comfortable saying these words and so do your children.
I explained it to my girls this way: pee-pee/penis or pee-pee/vagina are similar to sofa and couch. They mean the same thing. I gave several examples: chair/recliner, bike/bicycle...you get the idea. Children are not squeamish about saying a word like 'vagina' until they learn to be. Really, it's not a big deal--head, shoulders, knees, toes, penis. It's all about learning their 2000 'fearfully and wonderfully made' parts!

Talk Often - Talking about sex with your child is not a one-time deal. Use teachable moments. Media gives us plenty! Here's the deal, your kids WILL get a sex education. They can get it from NBC, government school, a Kardashian (Lord forbid it), the cool cousin, church, or YOU. I can not say this to enough Mommas: The first person to talk to your child about sex is the expert--Be the expert! 

I'm not saying oversaturate your kid with inappropriate sexual conversation, I'm just saying don't let the moments pass you by and don't wait for some special dinner. Just be casual. Never let 'em see you sweat.
You end up repeating some things and that's okay. Each time, new areas of conversation will come up. And, more details will come up. Don't wait for them to ask questions. By the time the questions come, they've been brewing. Stay ahead of 'em if you can.

I'd love to hear your stories and ideas. Let's help each other out here!
Do you use correct anatomical words in your house? Is this a subject area that causes you angst?

Upcoming Installments: Talk Privacy, Purity, Marriage, Goals, Consequences, Media. :)

This Is War.

                                                       

**Disclaimer: Adult-Only Post.**

If you are under the age of, say 18, show this to your momma right now.

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A few days ago, a friend and I were shopping with my girls when I spotted these gift books called "Porn for Women".
These are little gift books and coupon books depicting buff looking men doing household chores, changing diapers, cooking, etc. It looks like they've been around a while, but I'm just noticing.

All photos are copyrighted material by Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative. All credit goes to them and whatnot.

Sounds fab, right?! 

Listen, my Love Language is Acts of Service, so I can certainly appreciate the beauty of a man that knows how to handle a mop. I heart this. There are few things more lovely than my Spouse unloading a dishwasher or putting away laundry.

Now, the books in this series, as far as I can tell, are not pornographic in the sense that there is nudity other than the occasional male bare chest.

Still, let us define pornography, shall we?

Dictionary.Com defines pornography as "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having not artistic merit."

The New World Dictionary defines it a bit differently:
--n
1. writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement.
2. the production of such material.

"Designed to stimulate sexual excitement."

I get that these books are sort of tongue in cheek. I understand that they are for fun. The books depict men doing helpful household chores. These acts of service are encouraging, supportive, and helpful. Yay for encouraging, supporting and being helpful! It is essentially the nonchalant use of the word porn that I have such issue with.

According to the site Porn Harms,

America is suffering an untreated pandemic of harm from pornography. According to many studies, children and adults are developing life-long addictions to pornography; American children begin consuming hardcore pornography at an average age of 11 and act out what they see on siblings, neighbors, and friends; four out of five 16 year-olds regularly access pornography online; growing numbers of men in their twenties are developing “porn-induced sexual dysfunction;” girls consuming pornography are several times more likely to engage in group sex than those who do not; 56% of divorces now cite Internet pornography as a factor in the breakup of the marriage. More on harm can be found at PornHarmsResearch.com.

Make no mistake, we are at war with the porn industry. War. 

Books like this, seemingly harmless, just desensitize us to porn and we momentarily smile, maybe chuckle, and forget that pornography is destructive. I remember when my friend, Joy, first told me that the use of the words pimp and pimping as compliments was so dangerous. 

Pimps are slave-owners. They are criminals who beat, starve, and sell our brothers and sisters and we should have never allowed the phrase "pimp my ride" to fly. Pornography even  perpetuates the slave trade. We can't say that porn is helpful in relationships, but modern slavery is wrong. They work together. We can't let anything about pornography be fun or positive or anything less than an abomination.

We can't.
We no longer have the luxury of nonchalance when it comes to unhealthy sexual practices.
We no longer have the luxury of just shrugging things off as 'in fun'.
We no longer have the luxury or the right to 'lighten up'. (A phrase I detest, by the way.)

We need to call pornography what it is: a tool by your enemy and mine meant to destroy you and me, our families and children.

We are at war. This is a battle. This is how I fight it.

But you, Man of God, flee from all this, and pursue 
righteousness, godliness, faith, love, 

endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. 
Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called 

when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 

1 Timothy 6:11-12