Straight Talk About The Talk- Part 4

For a few weeks, we've been covering this area of 'The Talk' with our kids and teens. In Part 1, we covered the Littles. Pray early and often. Part 2 was about purity and marriage. This is big. The war against biblical marriage is raging furiously. Engage in this battle and enlist your kids to support marriage. Part 3 took us to learning to set goals for the future and just look ahead.

{{ http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/28/wired-kids-negligent-parents/ }}

Talk Media - This is multifaceted and I'm working hard not to be all over the place here. Failing.

Television, movies, music, print ads, internet, etc... they are all a part of that war against purity. I am all for censorship. Do not think that your child doesn't understand the innuendos. This is just ridiculous.  (Remember, the title says "Straight Talk".)

This doesn't necessarily mean censor forever.  At an appropriate age, discuss media messages with your child. Have conversations in light of God's Word, sharing a biblical worldview and your personal values. The point is, don't think they aren't internally processing the images--whether they mention them to you or not, they are processing.

Do not put a TV or computer in your kid's bedroom. This is a no-brainer to me. Please don't tell me that your kid is the one kid in America who would never choose to watch sketch on TV. When your son is channel surfing one day (maybe not today, but one day) he will see some breasts or cleavage and he will. slow. the. clicker. down.
I've recently heard of a family that requires iPods to be used in common areas of the house. I love this. We have allowed them to be used in the girls' bedrooms and they bring them to us at night, but I like this even better. We have discussed keeping iPods limited to downstairs, but haven't pulled the trigger just yet. It's time.

Media includes communications, such as phones and texting.
When I asked high school students for one piece of advice for me to give to parents of younger kids, the Number One response is, "Don't let them get a cell phone!"

No joke. High schoolers are seeing the problems of cell phones in their own lives. Just delay it as long as possible. I know it is convenient for your teen/preteen to have a phone, but parenting isn't always convenient. You had practices after school and went to friend's houses without a cell phone, little Junior can, too.
Also, texting is not required for the phone to work. Don't be afraid to shut it down. Seriously, other parents will applaud your willingness to take a stand, and likely follow suit. Be a trend setter! :)

On the subject of media, we have to talk social media. For starters, can we all agree that allowing your child to lie in order to get a Facebook or whatnot is not helpful to anyone? It's just not.
If you allow your teen to use social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) you should have an account, too, and your teen should be required to friend you. Also, be aware that teens also have accounts with pseudonyms that parents aren't aware of. Have access to all computers and devices and check them often. It has nothing to do with not trusting them. At the end of the day, God has entrusted us with these precious ones and we have to be willing to fight for them and with them in the battle of purity.

Stay in the know on current trends in social networking and be a part of it. Y'all parents who are saying "Oh, I'm just not that computer savvy" or "I don't do the whole Facebook thing."--I don't know... That seems noble and all, but  I don't think it's wise, unless you are keeping your whole family away from all social media, too. And, that's great, if you are! Rock on. I support you from the other side!
Otherwise, you need follow CNET on Twitter. They post a lot of good reviews about trending apps and whatnot. Also, they are a good consumer resource on all things techy.

Again, it's not about trusting YOUR kids, it's about understanding that our kids are a target! There is a multibillion dollar porn industry that would love nothing more than to get my girls hooked.
[The porn industry sees us all in 3 categories: target (never exposed), bait (exposed, maybe curious), hooked]. This is the real deal. Get an internet filter on your computer! Net Nanny, Safe Eyes, something!

At the end of the day, you are the parent. I've said it before, you know your kid. Nothing I say here should do anything but empower you and maybe give you ideas about ways to navigate this better. If you've got ideas, let's hear 'em! Don't be greedy with your good stuff! Share!

Straight Talk About The Talk- Part 1

Today, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of parents at my church about talking to their kids about their sexual purity. Naturally, it led to the updating and reposting of this blog from last summer. In true Melissa fashion, I added a lot, leading me to break it up into installments. It looks like there will be 4. Unless I add more. :)

In the least self-promoting way, because I believe in the message, I hope these become the most shared posts of all the Spouseisms posts.
Preparing our kids for a fulfilling, monogamous marriage is the ultimate Spouseism. :)

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Parents, Pre-Parents, Educators,

Let's talk about sex. :) (My blog hits just went from 5 to 10 just like that!)

It's time for a little straight talk about The Talk. 

It has to be done. And, as the 'Rents, you are the ones to do it. This business of expecting the I promise, there is no need to worry yourself to the point of hives, nor is there cause to bury your head in the proverbial sand! You can do this! There is, however, cause for you to take seriously the need to talk early and talk often with your kids about sex and the importance of saving all sexual activity until marriage.

Talk to God - Pray. Pray for your child's purity. Pray for what your child is exposed to outside of your presence. Pray that those you entrust with your kids would protect them from exposure to harmful media images. Pray that he would be blind to images that are preying on him. Pray for your child to see herself the way God sees her, a precious gift, purposed in this world to change the world. Pray for your child's future spouse. A really smart momma told me that she always prayed that her children's hearts would be asleep until God had the person to wake it up. Is that precious?!
Pray for these things with your child/teen. 

Bonus: It changes your relationship. Really. They see into your heart and truly believe that you don't want what's good for them, you want what God has for them.

Talk Early - With the Littles, use correct anatomical terms. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. Honestly, it's cute to hear a toddler say vagina. Mine said "sagina" and it was the best! You need to be comfortable saying these words and so do your children.
I explained it to my girls this way: pee-pee/penis or pee-pee/vagina are similar to sofa and couch. They mean the same thing. I gave several examples: chair/recliner, bike/bicycle...you get the idea. Children are not squeamish about saying a word like 'vagina' until they learn to be. Really, it's not a big deal--head, shoulders, knees, toes, penis. It's all about learning their 2000 'fearfully and wonderfully made' parts!

Talk Often - Talking about sex with your child is not a one-time deal. Use teachable moments. Media gives us plenty! Here's the deal, your kids WILL get a sex education. They can get it from NBC, government school, a Kardashian (Lord forbid it), the cool cousin, church, or YOU. I can not say this to enough Mommas: The first person to talk to your child about sex is the expert--Be the expert! 

I'm not saying oversaturate your kid with inappropriate sexual conversation, I'm just saying don't let the moments pass you by and don't wait for some special dinner. Just be casual. Never let 'em see you sweat.
You end up repeating some things and that's okay. Each time, new areas of conversation will come up. And, more details will come up. Don't wait for them to ask questions. By the time the questions come, they've been brewing. Stay ahead of 'em if you can.

I'd love to hear your stories and ideas. Let's help each other out here!
Do you use correct anatomical words in your house? Is this a subject area that causes you angst?

Upcoming Installments: Talk Privacy, Purity, Marriage, Goals, Consequences, Media. :)

Lovers, Haters, & the Perfect Life of Social Media.

This. This is garbage:

Listen. Post your workout. Post that it was a good one. I'm genuinely happy for you! When I'm in a funk, your dedication helps me. When you start a new program or start from scratch, I am encouraged. I will cheer with you and for you.
If you fall off the treadmill and smack your face, please, please for the love of Richard Simmons, post a dadgum Instacollage. I will respond with the pic of me and my wet pants.
[The link is for my baby readers. You're welcome.]

Perfect Life.
A few days ago, Shauna Nequist  posted a blog for Relevant Magazine, "Stop Instagramming Your Perfect Life."

In her post, she spoke about the dangers of social media to make us feel "less than". I get this. It's a thing. I don't want to post any picture or tweet or update that is going to make anyone feel like a loser. Here's the deal, I can't always control what makes you feel like a loser. Nor can you control if I'm having a slow day and can't handle that you just worked out, got groceries, wrote a paper for your Master's class, folded laundry and helped your kid's teacher all by 9am! Listen. On my best day, I will not do all that by 9! But, if you can and I can't be happy for you, well, that's on me!

And, sometimes it is on me. There are times that seeing my people do all these amazing things can start to make me feel loserish or homesick or question my calling. I have to check that with me and Jesus.

For example, I was going through a bit of a homesick season a few months ago. I took a six-week FB break and it helped. Seeing all the awesome things my friends were doing without me was making me sad. I was having a hard time being present. Well, that's not my friends' faults. They are just living. I had to make an adjustment.

Another time a friend and I commented on the same post on Facebook. Her comment made the point to say something to the effect of 'This is why I do better when I work outside of home. I feel like I make more of an impact on the world now than I did when I was at home.' This statement came at a time when I was really questioning my adequacy as a homeschooler and questioning my calling and I was emotional. (This is, like, every month.) I was ready to respond with how much of an impact it makes on my family and the future Kingdom of God that I am preparing these girls of mine for battle in this world. I didn't.
She wasn't talking about me. She was talking about her. I had to check that.

Listen. I understand that if your only social network is an online social network, you might think that everyone else is always beachin' it up or busting up some brothels or getting on another plane or getting married.

You know it's not true. That's not ALL your people and that's not ALL they're doing. One of the points that the author says is that "everyone's life looks better on social media". Well, yah. What do you want to see? My pile of laundry?

Fine. 

<True story: A few summers ago, we were evidently having a lot of good times on the old FB. One particular day, though, Spouse and I had had discussion about how much he had been working lately. Later that night, discussion subsided, we were with a friend who was commenting on how much fun we'd been having, according to the pictures he had been posting. She said, "Mark, do you ever work?" We about fell out. Too funny. Perspective, Kids. Perspective.>

Just do this exercise: When someone posts a pic of her trip, already KNOW that there is going to be a mess of suitcases and laundry when she returns, whether you see the picture or not.

Same for the gym: If you see my update about my workout. Don't hate. Imagine my smell.
It's not perfect. That'll help you.
Good grief.

The Haters.
The haters, they aren't ever gonna be happy. They are mad if you post your workouts, too many political posts, your meals, too many Jesus posts, too many soapbox posts, etc. You know. They are just gonna have something to say. And, I don't even mean these little memes. I mean, even the garbage one above makes me snicker. I don't have to agree with it for it to be funny.

How about these:
"I hate my life."
"I can't deal with people."
"I am so sick of _____."
Constantly!
That's what really bugs me. The downers and the foul people. Bless.
No joke, one time I saw one of these downer types post about his annoyance at other people being negative all the time! Spouse and I were cackling at the irony!

The Lovers.
I love the people.
The people in front of me and the ones on the screen.
My Facebook friends and Tweeps and Instagram followers are my people.
When my people's kids do well on their report cards, I love to rejoice with them!
When your kid makes a good showing in the steer competition or baseball game, post that stuff if you want to!
When your teenager stops thinking of herself for a split second and shows a glimmer of what you've been teaching her for 14 years, I will 'like' that, too!
When your 2 year old comes to show you-literally- that she pooped in the potty, dang. I'll be proud and sorry for you.
The hilarity that your kids come up with, post it, if you want to.
If your purpose for the social networking is to promote a cause close to you, rock on! I can hide you if it bugs me, but I ain't mad, Bro!

Let us consider how we may spur one another 

toward love and good deeds... Hebrews 10:24

Bottom line:
Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, they are all like the virtual fridge.
If you feel like it, share your life.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
We already know it's not perfect.