Momisms: What She Said?

Happy Mother's Day to all the less-than-perfect moms! Enjoy!

I'm the mom that, on account of all the outrageous(-ly side-splitting & controversial) things that come out of mouth, when my girls say, "My mom said ______....", I tense up.
Scared.
Cause, my word, what did I say and in what context and in what frame of mind was I in when I said it? Was my mind even inside a frame or was it completely out there in some unrecognizable abyss of insanity? And, did my children drive me there? Was I hungry? And what kind of sense of humor does this person have that my girls are speaking to? Will he or she get it?
Welp. Too late.

Being a momma has caused me to say things that I NEVER thought would come out of my mouth, for a myriad of reasons. I bet you've got some of these, too.

Here's a few stories of some unbelievable things that I've said to my kids:
(I'll await the visit from the authorities.)

"That's it. Neither of you get to pray now."

This was the first crazy momism. The Sisters were arguing over everything, including who got to pray first at every. single. meal. I was done. One morning for breakfast, no one got to pray. Then I had to go to work at the Christian non-profit that I worked for and tell my friends what I had done to forfeit my Mom of the Year Award that year. We laughed about that for years.

What she said: My mommy wouldn't let me pray today.

"Do not get in that pen with that bull, Meghan. I'm not kidding."

Crazy bull in the pasture and my kid wants to dadgum get in there and make it her pet. 

This was about the time I said...

"Meghan, that chicken is not a baby. Put it down."

Ellie Mae Clampett would seriously carry our chickens around like little babies. Gross.
What she said: My mom doesn't like our chickens.

"I'm coming in there and I'm just gonna start swingin' a flip flop!"

What she said: My mom beats kids with her flip flops. College kids, too. 

Those things hurt.

"Girls. Tinker Bell is a little trollop."

OK. This was the original Tink. From Peter Pan. She was a little boy-crazy trollop in a short skirt! We preferred Wendy. The new, improved pixie is better.
What she said: My mom doesn't like Tinkerbell's clothes.

"If the adults are doing it, you can do it. Do you see the adults doing cartwheels in the middle of a conversation? No. No, you don't."

We've had to revisit this statement when around some immature adults. Gracious, Nelly.

What she said: Mom, the adults are eating ice-cream, can we?

"No more books til _____________ is done."

Yes. I "grounded" my child from books. Do not second-guess decisions made in the field. I did what I had to do.

What she said: I can't believe you won't even let me read.

"You do not interrupt unless you are gushing blood. I don't mean a little blood that you can put a band-aid on, I'm talking gushing blood that requires real medical attention."

I have a visual learner that needs a mental picture.

What she said: Mom's on the phone, I'll ask her later cause I'm not bleeding. 

Lesson learned.

"Really? You are freaking out cause she is touching your book? What do you think she is going to do to it? What if she does this [licks the book]?"

Yes. I licked a Nancy Drew book. I was sick of it.

What she said: My mom licks our stuff if we don't share it.

"I'm gonna go straight Madea on y'all if y'all don't get those rooms clean, 

little heathen children."

This was just this week. 

What she said: Mom, we are not heathen children and Miss Carolyn would not approve of you saying that cause she knows we never do anything wrong!"

Our friend has these children thinking that she actually believes they are perfect! Out of control over here, I tell you!

"Listen. Girls. I'm not mad. You aren't in trouble, I just need y'all to stop talking for a minute."

What she said: Mom needs a snack. She's hangry.

"How much of it did you eat? Just drink some water and wash it down."

This has been regarding Play-Doh, dirt, etc.
What she said: It's grittyyyyy!

"Hey, girls, what do you think if we start homeschooling and 

Mommy will be your teacher at home?"

What she said: You mean I don't have to wake up early?
Brilliant.

"Girls, you do not always have to repeat every little thing I say."

Can I get a Word?!

"No, Ma'am. You abso-smurfingly cannot act like that up in here. We homeschool and if you do junk like that in public, people will blame me and homeschoolers everywhere. Act like you've had some home-training, for the love of Peter. Social skills, Girls."
What she said: Ughhhhh.
Ha. 

I know y'all are judging. That's okay. Somebody out there is feeling like a little bit better of a mom now that she has had a glimpse into our shenanigans.
Seriously, why do I not have my own show? I can't understand this.

This picture was taken before church with no threatening or pinching or talking through teeth.
Score for Mother's Day.

What are some things you can't believe motherhood has forced you to say?

Weekend "Camping" & Marriage Test.

We called ourselves camping this weekend. I use this term very loosely. 

Judge all you want: the weather in Houston was heavenly. It was fun and relaxing and no one had to sleep on the ground. Win.

Bought this after we went camping at the beach. Very used, very old, very adequate.
The other side has a push out for the dining table, too.
Look how perfectly that sucker is backed on to that slab. *See below*

There was corn hole.

There were hot dogs. Bun length. All beef. This is important in our house.

There were chips and selfies.

It was rough around breakfast.

There was snuggling with the new "M",  Maverick. 

There were microwave smores.

We Bananagrammed.

We UNO'd.

It was too lovely not to be outside and these girls are adorbies.

Ridiculous. This is first thing in the morning.

Then, in true Spouse fashion, he decided to put down new flooring in the camper. It looks magnificent!

Workin' man.

Oh, my goodness. So much improvement.

It has been a truly wonderful weekend for The Spouses and The Sisters. I hope yours has, too!
_____________________________________________________________
On Friday afternoon, I posted on Twitter & Facebook:

A true test of a marriage is the ability to back a camper/RV 

into its lot and still be on speaking terms when finished.

Is this not so true?!

<<Note: This was not AT ALL about Spouse and me. Honestly. I didn't even help him back it in. Big Sister did. I wasn't even there yet. By the time Little Sister and I got there, it was nearly done. Also, he's very patient about this sort of thing.>> 

Have you ever listened to a couple do this? Or a couple at the boat ramp? It can be funny or not at all.
My friend, Matt, commented on Twitter that he thinks premarital counseling should involve a canoe trip. Bah! Yes!! So true.

Spouse and I paddled the paddle boards from Fort DeSoto to Egmont Key once. Once. It wasn't pretty. The channel was not easy paddling and it took a long time. There was boat traffic, wind, and hunger. Maybe hunger. Maybe hanger. I can't be sure, I think I blacked it out. Except for the part about Spouse should have gone to marital counseling while I got something to eat. I remember that well.

What about you? Any home improvement projects put you over the edge? Night time feedings?

What are some of your "tests" in marriage?

Good Work: Under Construction!

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete 

it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Fact: He started it, but He's not done. :)
(Tell me you read that in Dwight Shrute's voice.)

This week is sort of an anniversary for me. Eight years since I had this little "cancer episode".

The BackStory: 
In Spring of 2005, it was discovered that I had a nodule on my thyroid gland. By the Lord's direction, we tested and tested and two surgeries later my thyroid gland was removed, along with the cancer that was growing on it. With some RAI (radioactive iodine) treatment and whole lot of prayers, the cancer was gone and I was free to go about my life with a Spouse, a four-year old, and a two-year old.

That was the year of the cancer, but also the year of the headache. And, I mean THE headache. All year. 11 months of one solid headache. I remember walking around the outlet mall one day with my praying, cooking, and cleaning friends and I said, "Hey, Y'all. Stop. I think my head isn't hurting!" I had to focus for a second because I wanted to be sure!

Let me tell you something, that was not an awesome time. But, it was. I got a front row seat to the show called "The Body of Christ Takes Care of Its Own". My people prayed incessantly and specifically. The headache was keeping me from sleeping, so my friends, Kay & Stephanie, called one another and prayed for me one night over the phone without my knowing. I slept. Jesus. My people showed up.  Spouse and my very best sister friend on this planet were the first faces I remember when I woke up from both surgeries. Meals came floating in to my house for three solid months. I sometimes watched as my laundry was folded, floors vacuumed, and dishes were put away. It was so weird, but I was grateful. And, when I was feeling good, they just showed up. I was going to be recovering on Easter, so my friends came for an Easter Egg Hunt at my house on a Thursday. A sweet young couple who had gone through a great deal of medical bills in the past dropped off $400. No joke. Young couple with two young boys at home. Not wealthy grandparent-types, either. Amazing. Only God compels that kind of sacrifice for your sister. My girls' birthdays were made great. A week after one of the surgeries, I tied a little scarf on and we had dinner with Cinderella & Prince Charming at Disney. Magical. It was something not easily forgotten when your people show up for you that way.

As far as the treatment, it wasn't much more than a little drama, really, and I was never scared. February to May and it was over. Surgeries were not great, but it wasn't terrible. The worst part was the radiation. I took a Radioactive Iodine pill that resulted in 5 days of isolation from everybody. I mean everyone. The nurses only came in my room once a day, wearing a lead vest and pointing a Geiger counter at me. Seriously. It was crazy. I was crazy. I had taken my trusty Beth Moore Bible Study materials with me, declaring it was going to be "Me, Beth, and Jesus." Whatever. I think I did one day of my Fruit of the Spirit Study. I was stir crazy. SANGUINE girl was alone. Isolated. Not really feeling well. I could see a Target outside my room window. Sigh. And, it was the weekend of the Runaway Bride from Georgia. Y'all remember her!? Lord, I'm sorry I didn't do my study, but I was nothing less than obsessed with that bride. She was the cutest thing. I did eventually complete all my homework. :)

Honestly, though, it was all pretty quick. I consider myself and my family on the receiving end of the gifts of early detection and a good life.

Gifts given by the One who gives perfect gifts for His own name's sake. Jesus.

The NowStory:
Follow up treatment includes taking a synthetic thyroid hormone every day and getting my TSH checked every 90 days. My TSH had been pretty stable for several years, but in November and every test since then my Thyroid has been off in one way or another. And, I have felt it. Suffice it to say I was livin' in a fog: there was not enough sleep to be had, inability to make a decision (me. no opinion. that's all.), just foggy. I'll not even mention the rest of the physical stuff, but to say there has been some physical stuff. Evidently, moving can be a major life stressor that can discombobulate your endocrine system. Yay. That's what I need. Discombobulation.

Then, about 2 weeks ago, my doc changed my Synthroid dosage. It was actually a little too high and as of 4 or 5 days ago, I am feeling brand new! Puh-raise the Lord! Seriously! I can make decisions all by myself! I have gone a good week without crying! *Happy Zumba Dance here.*

<<<<Note: I have mentioned before that silence on the part of this blogger is typically not a good sign. It's been a month since the last post, but I noticed today that I have 5 drafts. Fog brain couldn't even finish a post. Well, I'm over it. Brace yourselves. <--- That may be a little unnecessary hype, but I'm excited! >>>>

Also, since my doctors had different ideas about body scans and whatnot, I haven't had one since May 2005 (Hush. I know.)---well, now it's time. This week I begin to prepare for the scan on Friday. I will have an appointment of some sort each day of the week and stop taking the Synthroid. I am getting an injection called Thyrogen that allowed me to stay on the Synthroid longer and avoid the Low Iodine Diet (Which I unknowingly did for 4 days. Boo.) I've already had an ultrasound, which showed no thyroid tissue and I am not concerned in the least about this scan. Not a bit. Jesus peace.
My biggest concern was feeling better and I am. Now, I don't know how I will feel after 5 days off the medicine, but it sure is a lot better than the original 3 weeks off the medicine. :)

Here's the schedule, cause apparently, I can make decisions but have no boundaries:
Monday, Tuesday: Thyrogen injections. Wednesday: Radioactive Iodine pill (Not as high of a dosage as last time, so no isolation.) Thursday: Blood draw. Friday: Scan.

So, here I sit in a little camper while my family sleeps giving you, my five faithful readers, the longest status update in the history of Facebook. (I say "five" because I learned my friend Ricky reads. I used to say "four".) Those of you who get upset about mundane FB posts may never read my blog again! Ha! I am tempted to comment how boring this is must be for you, but I won't.
The God of the Universe began a work- a good work- and His work is never boring. With Jesus, it's a ride!

Thank y'all for being so patient with me and coming back to this little space on the interwebs.
I love it and I love you.
It is the coolest thing to me that you read this jazz.